Scotch & Politics

The IHT comes through for the second time this week with another great feature. This time its about China’s Olympic athletic machine, which, much like the country’s communist government, is more soulless and unrelenting than any corporation.

Its a great read, I suggest you take a look. It paints a shocking picture of how athleticism is perceived in China, and how the communist government has turned sports into a government-subsidized, factory-like system of hardcore training – dedicated to maximizing gold medal returns and pushing its athletes as hard as a possible.

“An astonishing amount of manpower, money and goods have been poured in, so much so that it’s inappropriate to be revealed publicly,” said Lu Yuanzhen, a professor of sports sociology at the Academy of Sports Sciences at South China Normal University. If the country’s athletes do not perform up to expectations, he added, “the entire nation and its people will lose face.”

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I told him next time he does that I’m going to get my blade out and cut him. I’m a gangster. You go gangster on me, I’m going to have to get you. You do that again, I’m going to cut you right on the field.

–Jerry Manuel after his second game as Mets Manager

The Jerry Manuel era is starting off beautifully in Queens. The only way to improve this situation would be to hire Ozzie Guillen as his bench coach and really maximize the crazy.

Also, I have a few questions about the “get my blade out” portion of Coach Manuel’s statement. Maybe the diehard Mets fans can help me out on this one…

-Does Manuel carry a knife on him at all times, or just during the games?

-If Manuel had actually gone and stabbed Jose Reyes would the Mets fans really be that upset?

-Do you think the umpires are getting nervous?

Let’s discuss.

Jon Lester Pitches a No-Hitter!

Jon Lester, less than a year after beating cancer, has no-hit the Kansas City Royals. It was an incredible pitching performance – 130 pitches, 9 K’s and he was topping 95 MPH on the last batter. Just incredible.

Of course I didn’t see any of it because I was hanging out with fellow S&P writer Jason playing Grand Theft Auto IV on his new flat screen TV. Unfortunately, we were far too busy shooting up police cars and running over pedestrians to check on the Sox game. That being said, its been a while since we’ve had a good baseball post on S&P so I’m going to go over a few of my impressions of the AL East (only division that matters ;-) ) at the quarter-mark.

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Following up on last week’s AL preview, let’s take a stroll through AAAA … err, I mean… the National League!

Baseball season is actually already underway… on the other side of the world. I’d be remiss to avoid mention of the opening. The A’s just split their two game series with the Red Sox in Japan behind a blazing performance from Mr. DL himself, Rich Harden. The Sox didn’t look World Champion-esque in these two games, squeezing out a victory yesterday that was handed on a silver platter to them by Huston Street and Emil Brown. Dice-K had one of his “the strike zone is not my friend” games and Papi straight up sucked. This morning Harden torched the vaunted Red Sox lineup, with only Manny touching him for a solo HR. Jon Lester didn’t look so hot, only lasting 4 innings and giving up 4 runs. If I were a Red Sox fan (eww, the mere thought repulses me), I’d be praying for a healthy Josh Beckett.

Ok, enough AL. Time to focus on the league where the pitchers bat and the managers actually do something. Where to begin…?

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To further rankle my fellow writer Brendan, a devout (and delusional) Boston sports fan, I think its appropriate to pull together a preview of the upcoming baseball season written by none other than this site’s own devout (and delusional) New York sports fan (ahem, Yankees and Giants… not Mets and Jets, ew).

I haven’t been this excited for baseball season in a long time. It could be leftover euphoria from the glorious run of the 2008 SUPER BOWL CHAMPION NEW YORK GIANTS. It could be that the Yankees have finally pushed aside their moronic tendency to overspend on crappy free agents. It could be that my adopted home team, the Washington Nationals, will be opening a killer new stadium and have a potentially great lineup.

Or it could be the chance to finally move on a bit from the crap that went down this offseason with the Mitchell Report and the Clemens hearing.

Regardless, I’m excited and you should be too.

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I’m sure everyone caught at least some of Roger Clemens’ embarrassing spectacle in Congress – basically a four-and-a-half hour ordeal in which he stammered and perjured his way along, finally exposing to the world that he’s both a liar and a buffoon. Everyone else has already sounded off on Clemens’ Alamo, and I don’t really know what I’d be able to add to this shaming, so I’m going to focus on one of the less-noticed pieces of news to come out yesterday.

Through all the BS you’d never know there was only one real revelation, one ugly truth that was uncovered. You’d never know it because it didn’t happen during Clemens’ testimony, it happened in a press release that came out that same day. While the Texas Con Man was making his last stand, another Yankees’ story seems to have been ignored, or at least eclipsed by the sensationalism.

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Unless you have been stuck in a coup in Central Africa or you’re one of those snippy “I refuse to pay attention to anything that has to do with sports” types, then you most certainly heard about The Greatest Super Bowl Ever. (Not to mention the most watched.)

As an obsessive, die-hard, fanatic of the New York Giants – a third generation fan reared on stories of Fran Tarkenton and Rosie Grier and weaned on the greatness of Lawrence Taylor, Phil Simms and Harry Carson – I would be remiss not to celebrate the historic achievement of my Big Blue.

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Super Sunday is always a special day on Animal Planet, as it was time for the true Winter classic: the 4th annual Puppy Bowl – a video montage of various puppies playing together on a miniature football field, complete with instant replay, a referee, and cameras in the water bowls. The show runs about three hours, but it repeated several times during the day. I know, because I watched Puppy Bowl IV from 11 PM to 3 AM last night (I couldn’t sleep for some reason).

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Relief pitcher, Luis Ayala of DC’s Nats, was shot in the arm, struck by an errant pellet from a shotgun round during a recent hunting trip.

Sound familiar?

Yikes! h/t

Let’s hope Luis didn’t wind up looking like this:

As an egotistical blogger should, I check google analytics every morning to see how ‘ol S&P is doing. You know, what kind of traffic, where its coming from, etc etc etc. Well to my surprise, the last few days we have generated a decent chunk of traffic from a Tottenham Hotspur fan message board. (You can’t sift around unless you’re a member. You also can’t join – I tried – because they have reached their limit, sigh).

This is fantastic! Welcome fans ‘o the Hotspur! Not only do I love that we’re generating traffic from across the pond, but this also gives me an official reason to finally settle on a Premier League team! I’ve been waffling for months, having decided a while back to start seriously following PL. But I really had no idea who to pick for my team. No matter how I went through with it, every method felt stupid and superficial, kind of like Bill Simmons’ goofy process back in ‘06.

I considered Man U because people have told me I look like Wayne Rooney, but I’m already a Yankees fan so I couldn’t do that. I might as well buy a Christian Laettner throwback and denounce my Knicks for the Lakers if I did. I then thought I settled on Liverpool because my friend Jeff is a fan of them and since he’s from Philly, we thought it would be fun to actually root on the same side for something (Eagles suck, fyi). But I soon realized that rooting with a Philly fan for anything just feels dirty. I would have to resort to throwing batteries at Chelsea fans, and I’m really not into that.

Finally, I thought I had it down. My father-in-law is a die hard Arsenal fan and has pressured me numerous times in my process to pick them as my team. I finally caved one night and agreed. But I’ve never felt any allegiance to them whatsoever.

Now, I have a reason to swear my allegiance to a team! The Hotspur fanbase has given S&P love. I give them love. To dare is to do!!! Go Hotspur!

(This story is so huge I felt it needed two titles)

The Mitchell report is out. It is out, and it is damning for the New York Yankees. Absolutely damning. Take a look at this graphic from the New York Daily News.

Here, let me translate that chart into plain-text:

Yankees Steroid-Users, Year-by-Year

NOTE: BOLD indicates a World Series or Pennant victory

1995: Andy Pettitte, Randy Valarde

1996*: Andy Pettitte, Ricky Bones

1997: Andy Pettite, Mike Stanton

1998*: Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch, Mike Stanton, Darren Holmes

1999*: Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch, Roger Clemens, Mike Stanton, Jason Grimsley, Daniel Naulty

2000*: Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch, Roger Clemens, Mike Stanton, Jason Grimsley, David Justice, Jose Canseco, Glenallen Hill, Denny Neagle

2001: Andy Pettitte, Chuck Knoblauch, Roger Clemens, Mike Stanton, David Justice, Bobby Estalella, Todd Williams

2002: Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Jason Giambi,

2003: Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Jason Giambi

2004: Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Kevin Brown

2005: Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Kevin Brown, Mike Stanton

2006: Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Ron Villone

2007: Jason Giambi, Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Ron Villone

2008 (Projected): Jason Giambi, Andy Pettitte

This information cannot be ignored. Its just too glaring that their World Series teams were packed to the gills with confirmed cheaters. All those years of dominance were artificial. Now that it appears as though their clubhouse was operating like a pharmacy during their “glory years,” its obvious that no one will be able to look at those World Series teams the same way ever again.

I have said before on our message boards that when people look back on baseball’s Steroid Era they are going to paint Barry Bonds as the figurehead of the scandal…but its true center was in the Bronx all along.

Shame on them for cheating teams out of victories, stealing championships, and embarassing their fans.

Also, thank God no one mentioned Big Papi

Hehehe…

Seriously, I’m excited! The guy is a revelation. He left football out of nowhere to go on a spiritual journey through Asia or something, has been caught smoking pot roughly 39 times, and is wholly vilified by tons of people. It doesn’t make much sense. First of all, it’s been widely reported that he has struggled with major social anxiety (something that might make you want to smoke pot…). Second, he hasn’t committed vehicular homicide, he hasn’t tortured man’s best friend, heck… he hasn’t even taken steroids! He was (it seems as though he’s clean, so I’ll use the past tense) a pothead. Woopedy-do.

So I welcome him back because, man, was he awesome when he was at his peak. And because he’s goofy as all get out. He’s already fumbled once tonight and appears to have hurt his shoulder, but here’s to lots more 1800 yard seasons and interviews with his helmet on. I hope we get to see the back that won the Doak Walker and the Heisman, or at least a semblance of the guy who’s ability made Mike Ditka pull off the stupidest trade ever.

Welcome back Ricky!

I don’t always agree with Gregg Easterbrook, but I sure do here:

Argument for the New England Patriots as scoundrels in the service of that which is baleful: Dishonesty, cheating, arrogance, hubris, endless complaining even in success. The Patriots have three Super Bowl rings, but that jewelry is tarnished by their cheating scandal. They run up the score to humiliate opponents – more on that below – thus mocking sportsmanship. Their coach snaps and snarls in public, seeming to feel contempt for the American public that has brought him wealth and celebrity. Victory seems to give Bill Belichick no joy, and defeat throws him into fury. Belichick and the rest of the top of the Patriots’ organization continue to refuse to answer questions about what was in the cheating tapes – and generally, you refuse to answer questions if you have something to hide. The team has three Super Bowl triumphs, yet its players regularly whine about not being revered enough. The team’s star, Tom Brady, is a smirking sybarite who dates actresses and supermodels but whose public charity appearances are infrequent. That constant smirk on Brady’s face reminds one of Dick Cheney; people who smirk are fairly broadcasting the message, “I’m hiding something.” The Patriots seem especially creepy at this point because we still don’t know whether they have told the full truth about the cheating scandal – or even whether they really have stopped cheating. They say they have, but their word is not exactly gold at this juncture. Ladies and gentlemen, representing Evil, the New England Patriots.

Ahh, I enjoyed that paragraph. And I don’t think this whole villain theme is stuck with just the Pats. No, it already is shared by the Red Sox (who have taken a Yankee-like mentality with their lavish spending on free agents, and have arguably the most annoying fanbase on earth), and it may bleed over to the Celtics (The big trio, while all awesome, have their flaws. KG - one of the most intense players in the NBA, could fly off the handle at any point, Pierce - a serial moper, Ray Allen - never performed in big games, not a very good actor). The Bruins, well, they just suck (this phantom start will not last, I guarantee).

Could Boston house the major villains of sports? I cannot think of a time when a city housed villains in more than one sport, let alone three! The closest examples that come to mind are the Yankees and Knicks of the 90s (but honestly, who actually vilified the Knicks?), Pistons and Red Wings of the 80s (Hockeytown wasn’t that great in the 80s, so I don’t think this works), Philadelphia in general (nah, just because the fans are crazy doesn’t make all of their teams villains.

Nope, I think this is unprecedented. Boston may be on the verge of something we have yet to see. A triumvirate of villainy. An across the board notoriousness. All out impropriety.

This Friday marks the start of the final season series between the Yankees and the Red Sox, but I could honestly care less. Even if the Yankees sweep, its doubtful it will be enough to topple the Sox’s stranglehold on first place in the division, and even if they manage to do that, we’re still going to the playoffs. But its Sox-Yankees at Fenway, it’s topical, and its an excuse for me to blog. Not so much about the teams themselves, but rather what the Sox-Yankees rivalry represents, how they’re portrayed in the media today, and how they should be portrayed in the future.

I got to thinking about the Red Sox – Yankees dynamic after reading this column by Bill Simmons at ESPN.com. Simmons argues that the Sox are no longer baseball’s loveable underdog doing battle against the Evil Empire. In fact, the Red Sox have effectively become that which they fought against so long – the New England Yankees, just as powerful, just as popular, and just as overexposed.

When Larry Luccino coined the phrase “Evil Empire,” and started playing Darth Vader’s theme from “Star Wars” whenever the Yankees took the field at Fenway, he started a revolution. The Sox had become the Rebel Alliance, valiantly attacking the Death Star. We were David, they were Goliath on HGH. Everyone loves an underdog, and since 2003, the Red Sox have surged in popularity, going from a New England institution to an international brand. Along the way they won the World Series, ended their “curse,” and vanquished their rival Yankees. The dramatic story – complete with bloody socks, come-from-behind victories, and Big Papi captivated the country and created thousands of new Red Sox fans.

Since the Glorious Year of 2004 the Sox have increased their payroll and ticket prices, expanded marketing and merchandise lines (Pink hats? Lottery tickets? Red Sox Nation?), and made some high profile bonehead signings – all traits usually reserved for the Yankees. Now they’re shooting for the division title to hopefully topple the Yankees from their last perch of superiority. Simmons is right, we are their equals, and its changing everything. This is why the Red Sox’s image needs to be changed as well; we’ll look foolish if we keep pretending that George Steinbrenner is the Emperor and Derek Jeter his gay Darth Vader. “David vs. Goliath” is over, its time to find a new storyline, a new dynamic.

Luckily, I figured this out for us. I even found a new sci-fi allusion we can rip off to sell it to the rest of the world to boot.

That’s right, Transformers. I’m talking about the Red Sox’s Autobots to the Yankees’ Decepticons – I’m talking about Good vs. Evil – the epic struggle that resonates with us all. Two equally matched foes in constant battle, like Ying and Yang…only with laser cannons.

The Yankees obviously fulfill the role of Megatron in our story. The dreaded leader of the evil Decepticons, Megatron was dominating, devious, and tough - he was regularly kicking the Autobot’s asses all over the planet Cybertron. The Yankees-Megatron parallels are immediately apparent – not only do they share the same color scheme, but they’re both evil bastards: Steroid scandals, bloated payroll, a heartless owner that was banned in the 80’s, the 26 World Series rings, Roger Clemens - its plainly obvious the Yankees have been a devastating, malevolent force in baseball. The bill fits almost too well. So what’s the only thing that can stop Megatron?

Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, the noble general who selflessly protects the Earth and fought the Decepticons every week in the late 1980s. Optimus and Megatron used to face off almost every episode with surprisingly back and forth results. In the end they were pretty evenly matched, and wound up killing each other in their climactic final battle.

The Yankees have existed as the Megatron of MLB for some time now – probably since the 1920’s. But before 2003, there was no Optimus Prime to counteract their evil. No team that regularly challenged the Yankees, especially the Sox. To be honest, the Red Sox were nowhere near the level of Optimus Prime, really they were more like this guy:

Ironhide, Prime’s second-in-command, is a perfect allegorical figure for the pre-2003 Sox. Ironhide was tough and resilient, but he was a bit on the slow side…plus he transformed into a minivan. There was no way he was beating Megatron. That’s the story of the Boston Red Sox – 1918-2003. I’m just going to start calling it the “Ironhide Era” from here on out.

I’m convinced this will be a good thing for Sox fans, Yankees fans, and baseball as a whole. First of all, the Yankees and their fanbase already relish being the most evil team in baseball. I can assure you any Yankees fans reading this find these Megatron comparisons incredibly flattering. Secondly, this also reinforces Red Sox fans inflated sense of superiority – after all, we’re the good guys here – we deserve to act like jerks around the Yankees. I’m sure if the Decepticons signed another overpriced robot to their team the Autobots would be the first people in the press bitching about it.

So it makes perfect sense. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy an Autobots baseball cap. I suggest you all do the same.