Oh, Washington Post… ever eager to draw readers by perpetuating DC/Freemason/secret society conspiracy theories. Now all they need is Jerry Bruckheimer and Nicolas Cage to put on another KICK ASS production to find mystical treasures in a CGI-created Tidal Basin.

And now that John McCain has been dubbed the soothsayer/conspiracy expert of the capital of the Free World (in nationwide Chick-fil-A’s… mmm…Baptist waffle fries), well, you best be holdin’ on to your rosaries boys and girls. There are some serious evildoin’s of Lucifer goin’ on round these parts.

“Mmm hmm! There sure is!”

Come to find out, it wasn’t Spitzer’s fault that he transported a prostitute over state lines. He just happened to be in the middle of a pentagram.

This pentagram, anchored by Dupont (ZOMG teh gayz!1!!) and Logan Circles in NW Washington, DC, is (according to conspiracy buffs) the center of all evil. As one reliable source says, “‘It must be true, it’s on the Internet,’ Larraine Wolman, a British tourist.”

Seriously? Are we really covering this story? Are we really going to interview some guy from Laurel, MD who never escaped from his awkward pubescent Goth phase? Is this really the ONLY dirt we can scrounge up in this city?

This is just as interesting to me as Laura Sessions Stepp’s useless foray into teenagers losing their V-Card in the summertime. Now THAT’S news folks!

But it’s OK, WaPo’s satanic source says, because really all Satanists want is to guiltlessly savor the simple indulgences of everyday life – such as an entire box of Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake (12 grams of fat per serving). How deliciously SINFUL!