“It’s 1965, and you’re a 26-year-old white guy. You have a factory job, or maybe you work for an insurance broker. Either way, you’re married, probably have been for a few years now; you met your wife in high school, where she was in your sister’s class. You’ve already got one kid, with another on the way. For now, you’re renting an apartment in your parents’ two-family house, but you’re saving up for a three-bedroom ranch house in the next town. Yup, you’re an adult!
Now meet the 21st-century you, also 26. You’ve finished college and work in a cubicle in a large Chicago financial-services firm. You live in an apartment with a few single guy friends. In your spare time, you play basketball with your buddies, download the latest indie songs from iTunes, have some fun with the Xbox 360, take a leisurely shower, massage some product into your hair and face – and then it’s off to bars and parties, where you meet, and often bed, girls of widely varied hues and sizes. Wife? Kids? House? Are you kidding?”
Having known a lot of men like this who cannot simply “grow up,” I’d really have to agree with this article. And being that I am the only female guest writer at Scotch & Politics, I want to emphasize that there are certainly exceptions to this rule.
The author, Kay Hymowitz, interestingly touches on the commercial influence of masculinity - which is I think is very similar to the glossies women read listing “10 Ways for a Sexier Summer Body” or whatever. I also feel as though the result of the third wave feminist movement has left many men confused in what traditional male roles should look like. As the author points out, mid-20th century male identities were much more solidified and conservative. Men were the bread-winners, and women cooked (not brought home) the bacon.
But I think as women are not expected to conform to the 1950’s housewife protocol, so the male identity takes on a different (and much more primitive) shape in the media - (i.e., men only talk about football, breasts, and video games).
The industry has dumbed men down - but are they really that gullible? Are men just underachievers because men do not have a glass ceiling? Does Axe really make armies of scantily clad women run through the rainforest? (No. It smells like cat box.) Is Old Spice Hair & Body wash right for me???
(God I love that commercial.)
I think there’s a cultural struggle here in regards to gender identity norms - just look at how many women have been influenced by the cosmetic and fashion industries to achieve a body of impossible perfection. The same goes for the single young male demographic or “SYMs.” In the shadow of feminism, I think there’s a broad misunderstanding of what makes you a real “man.”
I welcome any thoughts from my male partners in blogging :)
1 Brendan // Apr 04, 2008 at 02:38 PM
I see your point here. I think its really easy to say that all guys my age are beer-swilling frat boys - but I don’t think its the norm. And I also think that it can go both ways.
What about all the girls in their mid-twenties living out their Carrie Bradshaw fantasy in the big city? For every Maxim there’s a Cosmopolitan, and for every Bud Light ad there’s a new “chick-lit” book out extolling the joys of independent city living.
I like to think of this phase as Adultolescence (thanks Newsweek). We didn’t marry our high school sweethearts and houses cost waaaay more than they used to. As a result, we’re relatively directionless after we get through college and get that high-paying job we’ve been working towards our whole lives.
Think about it - Now that we’ve achieved all the readily achieveable goals…(college, job, car) we don’t know what to do next. All we know is that marriage is probably a ways away. So we have no wife, no kids, no house…really all we have is disposable income (which isn’t always a good thing). Then we hear our buddies from college are renting a house in town and if we want in we’ll only have to pay $500 / month. Pretty good deal! It seems like a natural progression.
Its really amazing how the mass-delaying of marriage has affected our generation. I wonder if its a good thing?
2 daws // Apr 04, 2008 at 03:18 PM
I also know/have dated many guys who have trouble growing up in one way or another, be it committment, obsession with video games, or a love affair with booze. I certainly don’t think all men of our generation fit the complete SYM mold, but I think most at least carry some of the characteristics. Why shouldn’t they?
However, I must admit, I am myself in many ways a SYM–I suppose that would be SYW–and foster a few of the defining elements…
Husband? Kids? House? Are you kidding?
Yeah, it’s true, but I am okay with it (though I’d like to point out that I am certainly not a “Carrie Bradshaw” since I’d rather carry my shotgun than an Hermes bag).
Oh, and one other thing…and perhaps this is because I’m a bit of a SYW…if the world were full of men ready to settle down, get married to their high school/college sweethearts, have 2.3 kids and that damn picket fence, well…quite frankly I’d be pretty freaked-out. Shudder.
3 burghpunk // Apr 04, 2008 at 04:20 PM
I already did the “26 and married” gig…apparently it didn’t take.
So I guess that I am now supposed to be the SYM that lives with a group of guys (actually no), plays videogames (yes), sleeps around (this post is anonymous, but those that do know me are probably rolling on the floor laughing at the idea that I am some sort of player) and downloads indie music (Sonic Youth blows). There might not be enough occurrence of my situation to warrant a stereotype – the separated 26-yr old has to be a small demo – but at the same time I have a lot of trouble accepting the idea that my peers are identifying with the SYM stereotype.
The SYM stereotype degrades women too - what dumabss chick is falling for the “axe” guy anyways? Having said that, a girl that appreciates video games is a diamond in the rough…unless she is better at Halo than me (not saying much - even in video games my aim sucks).
4 Erin // Apr 04, 2008 at 04:54 PM
I don’t believe that feminism and the evolution of women’s social roles has had negative effect on the male identity. That is to say, I don’t believe men who say that. If feminism as a whole has elevated women, then men who feel “lost” should rise to the occasion.
As far as Carrie Bradshaw, she’s no Rhodes Scholar, but doesn’t she have a job? a Manhattan apartment in which she lives alone? Yeah, she blows all her money on shoes and cocktails, but we are still talking cultural “caricatures”, right? The “Sex & the City” model for modern women (party girl lifestyle aside) seems like a lot more positive and “adult” thing to aspire to than those offered by “lad” culture.
If anything, the media catering to the SYM is a chicken/egg thing. It’s probably safe to say that the “media” didn’t create this whole man-boy culture, but it hasn’t helped either by perpetuating it.
To the lost boys, I say man up. The best part of that article says that men need better things to look up to. In the past it was marriage and kids – what now? It’s a really interesting point that deserves dialog.
5 Mike W // Apr 04, 2008 at 11:34 PM
It’s an interesting discussion, but I question its freshness. Is this “SYM phenomenon” really new? Really? There never were males who shirked marriage and conventional family living for a few years before “settling down.” (I really hate that phrase.) What about all those men in the Jane Austen novels who always are quite a bit older than the women they pursue? This is a centuries old phenomenon.
Now, its amplified. There are lots of reasons. The improvement of women’s status in society (I agree with you, Erin. It hasn’t had a negative effect on the male identity, but it has certainly had an effect.), the media portrayal, and the changes in economy (housing prices ain’t what they used to be, as B said.) all have changed the dynamic of a man’s shift into adulthood.
Oh, and while I don’t think it has anything to do with the focal point of this discussion, I disagree that the “Carrie Bradshaw” type has any sort of higher moral ground than the dude-brah society. They both have failings. They both get by. Personally, I think they’re both just another example of flawed people.
6 Brendan // Apr 07, 2008 at 10:33 AM
“There never were males who shirked marriage and conventional family living for a few years…”
This is a really good point. Look at the history of deadbeat dads, and fathers who run out on their wives and children. Its nothing new at all. Sory if my previous post was percieved as taking a dig at women’s lib…truth is you can hardly blame them :-).
Its funny - on one hand I think a lot of us are angry our sex is being lumped into these two groups “SYMs” (frankly, I prefer, “Dude-Brahs”) and “Carrie Bradshaws” (I think we could make this funnier - like “neo-skankist” or something). And we all take offense at these charicatures people associate with us.
BTW, Carrie Bradshaw is a relationship columnist for the NY Post - that job doesn’t take talent it takes advanced understanding of inanity. In truth her friends (lawyer, art dealer, whatever the blonde one does) seem like much more impressive and successful professionals.
One other thing: “The best part of that article says that men need better things to look up to. In the past it was marriage and kids – what now?”
What’s wrong with marriage and kids…only on your own terms? Maybe guys that are still looking for those things accept its more expensive, harder and a riskier venture than it used to be in the past few decades.
My wife will probably work too, a house costs a small fortune, day care, health care, the responsibility of kids and property, and if it all becomes too much and doesn’t work out a guy can be financially destroyed in a divorce and doomed to a lifetime of uncomfortable visitations with their kids. (That’s a worst-case scenario for sure, but its still scary)
My parents have told me many, many times to do the opposite of what they did and wait several years before I get married and I tend to agree with them. So while I sit around and wait, in the meantime i think i’ll focus on my career, read more, travel, and try to make what I can out of this unbelievably directionless-yet-paradoxically-free period in my life.
That being said, has anyone played Call of Duty 4? Any good? ;-)
7 Mike W // Apr 07, 2008 at 02:49 PM
The funniest part of this is that 3 of the 5* founders of S&P are married. Perhaps we are not representative of the dude-brah culture.
On a personal note, I think the dude-brahs (the ones who use too much hair product, work in “finance,” and go out with the sole goal of getting laid) are a moronic sect. They add very little to society and generally give men a bad name.
Regardless, I still think the hand-wringing over what-wastes-are-men-are-becoming is over the top. At its core, it is not a new phenomenon and I highly question it describes anything more than a small minority of my generation.
8 Kerry // Apr 07, 2008 at 03:18 PM
However, Jane Austen never had the pleasure of attending Mechanical Bull night at McFadden’s.
To further the age-old “Men Are From Mars” argument, I give you a quote from 18th century British writer, Mary Astell: “She must be a fool with a witness, who can believe a man, proud and vain as he is, will lay his boasted authority, the dignity and prerogative of his sex, one moment at her feet.”
9 Mike W // Apr 07, 2008 at 03:47 PM
Your quote says it all. There have always been men who refuse the family life.
BTW, I forgot to explain the * after the number 5. So here it is: