I really don’t like blogs. When I do happen to read one, I can barely get down the first page. In fact I’m just going to come out and say it: I can’t stand them, and I have no clue why people read them every day when perfectly good news sources like the Boston Globe, the NYT, WSJ, and Newsmax are available for free. The writing is better, the information more solid, and the opinions more educated (that means the opinions are still retarded, but with solid grammar) than anything any doofus secretly writing his blog at work is going to put together. The whole concept makes zero sense to me.

I lump blogs into two black-and-white categories. I do this because its easy and because I’m an evil conservative monster who only sees things in cruel, clichéd terms (You’re either with us or against us, folks). To me, there are two types of Blogs out there – “Expert” Blogs and “Civilian” Blogs. Expert Blogs are blogs written by professionals that discuss their subject or industry of expertise. Anderson Cooper has a blog and he writes about news stories on it – this is a perfect example of an Expert Blog. Perez Hilton is another good one: he has all the good photos of drunken Lindsay Lohan and he gets the latest details on Britney Spears’ descent into madness before anyone else. You may find the subject matter of this particular blog stupid, but you cannot deny its expertise.

So what’s a Civilian Blog? Everything else: 14-year-old girls on MySpace, LOLcats, and especially your blog are all Civilian. If you’re still confused about what’s Civilian, feel free to look at anything ever written ever on LiveJournal…ever.

Civilian Bloggers are motivated by all sorts of things – some write because they feel the need for a cathartic rant-session; others are incredibly arrogant and want you to know how they feel and what they do at all times, or maybe they’re ex-college-newspaper columnists who miss pontificating. Regardless of the why, Civilian Bloggers all have one thing in common: they have zero credibility behind their statements and are no better positioned to give their opinion than you, me, or any other person.

To put it bluntly, I do not have the time to care about what you think, Civilian Bloggers. The Internet is full of great stuff to read, yours isn’t included.

In fact, in the history of the Internet, only one Civilian Blog has ever been good. Only one. Think about it, there have to be millions of blogs out there – producing billions and billions of lines of text – all of it essentially worthless. Only one man has managed to combine good storytelling, biting commentary, and an incredible sense of self-actualization into a readable, popular article that speaks with true credibility – that man is Maddox. Maddox is a genius. In fact, Maddox is so good he may actually be an Expert Civilian Blogger. The paradox is mind blowing. Stop reading this and check out Maddox’s site right now – he posts like once every 3 months so you’ll catch up really fast.

At its heart, Scotch and Politics is essentially a Civilian Blog, as no one on this site is an expert in anything, trust me. Now that’s not to say the site is 100% useless; but I wouldn’t call this required reading. In light of everything I’ve written so far, I suppose you could say my involvement in the S&P Blog is kind of hypocritical - but its ok because i’m a huge fan of duality. I’m hoping to write several articles on the site, not so much because I want you to read them, but more because I like to write; and the possibility that others might read it ensures I will use correct spelling.

When I write for S&P, I will always keep in mind that my readers should be doing something more productive, and I will do my best to keep things as painless as possible. Unfortunately, I have a habit of taking on a real haughty, curmudgeonly tone – so my stuff is probably going to turn out less like Maddox and more like Andy Rooney. Please accept my apology in advance.